Directed By Rhys Frake-Waterfield

Starring – Nikolai Leon, Craig David Dowsett, Paula Coiz

The Plot – The days of adventures and merriment have come to an end, as Christopher Robin (Leon), now a young man, has left Winnie-The-Pooh (Dowsett) and Piglet to fend for themselves. As time passes, feeling angry and abandoned, the two become feral. After getting a taste for blood, Winnie-The-Pooh and Piglet set off to find a new source of food. It’s not long before their bloody rampage begins.

This film is currently not rated

WINNIE-THE-POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY | Official Trailer | Altitude Films – YouTube

POSITIVES

All jokes aside, “Blood and Honey” had the potential to supplant a grim fairytale enveloping of sorts to the heralded and iconic property, and evidence of such can be seen scattered sporadically throughout this dark and foreboding vision, which involves some very creative animated sequences to fill in the blanks for scenes that the production probably didn’t have the money to capably illustrate. For starters, the motive is certainly there, introduced and unraveled immediately during the film’s introductory period, and combining abuse and neglect as means that not only vividly illustrate these animal’s dreaded disposition, with a complete turn in personality from the lovable characters we all grew up adoring, but also showcasing the haunting side to nostalgia that most properties are afraid to even tackle. As a 20-25 minute short film, I truly believe that something endearing existed from within, but because it’s accommodating an 82 minute feature length film, this bare bones idea doesn’t have enough depth or evolution to fully justify the experience, bringing with it a laundry list of problems that conjure themselves almost unanimously as a result of its minimal $15,000 budget.

NEGATIVES

That budget feels like the appropriate starting point for this diatribe because lackluster evidence of its hinderances can be seen redundantly throughout the execution, leading to what I easily feel will be the favorite for worst film of the year, even ten months from now when I reveal that title. The proof easily conveys itself to the production, with Microsoft paint levels of C.G blood, horribly rendered cinematography involving the worst kind of shaking camera navigation, and a complete lack of color correction that leads to these cancerous eye sores that make so much of the film’s look even difficult to invest in and appreciate. I can wholeheartedly understand that this team had little to capably play around with, but the problems they create could easily be resolved with a simplistic approach, and only find themselves apparent when the movie attempts the kind of ambition that its team simply can’t afford to exude, reaching student film levels of cinema that look all the more appalling when shown on the biggest screen imaginable. From there, the creative process of the script and overall direction falls flat, leading to a film that is capable of boredom even at the halfway mark of the film’s aforementioned brief run time. Part of this problem certainly lends itself to the aspect of the storytelling, which grinds to a screeching halt at the film’s fifteen minute mark, before giving way to a cat and mouse chase that dominates the remaining hour, but for my money a bigger problem persists in the depths of the direction, which can’t at the very least manage suspense as a means to maintain audience investment. The sequences of physicality are drawn out to rid them of urgency or vulnerability, often times taking too long to reach a confrontation or resolution, then backed by some of the worst camera work that obscures the detection of any kind of even accidental clarity. It also hurts that the editing doesn’t feel good enough for an all night sleepstream on Youtube, with cuts that arrive both too early and too late for the integrity of the scenes they’re accommodating, and divided by these fades to black that continuously rids the script or its pacing of any garnered momentum. The acting also does no favors to the integrity of the experience, supplanting twelve horrifically commanded performances without a single degree of believable emotion between them. This talented and one-dimensional bunch of big-breasted abundance feels this side of Cinemax late night for my intepretation, bringing with them an interchangable dynamic that not only often made me confused with who is who, but also made the already awful lines of dialogue sprouted by them feel that much more poetic for the way they brought out the airhead in all of them. Seriously, such a line exists where a character tells their friend “Two of them are out there after us”, and another girl replies “Oh, they must be the ones who wrote this message in blood on our window”. If this is the intelligent life that explorers find thousands of years from now, I would say keep moving to the next planet. Another major problem, at least in my opinion, is that it’s never indulgent enough to appeal to audiences just looking to have a good time with a ‘So bad it’s good’ experience. This is because the film often takes itself too seriously, feeling like another derivative 80’s B-movie slasher, but with animal masks. It never loses itself in the stupidity of its creation, and because of such solidifies boredom over bananas in a film with a complete lack of personality that could’ve at least made it entertaining for ironic purposes, but instead willingly writes itself into a corner with no meaningful pay-offs, as a result of flatly uninteresting characters, or expired carnage candy that can’t supplant even one completely succesful death between them. Finally, and perhaps most consequentially is an ending so abruptly unsatisfying that it can’t even properly define itself as an ending, for the lack of resolution to the ensuing conflict. Part of this can certainly pertain to the already green-lit sequel that some studio has championed in as an act of terrorism to our people, but I truly feel that the script writes itself into such a confining and claustrophobic corner that it has nowhere but a disappointing climax to supplant to the final moments of the engagement, serving as the loudest echo to this turd’s loud into its porcelain swimming pool that never should’ve even seen the light of a one day Fathom exlusive engagement.

OVERALL
Winnie the Pooh’s new nightmare is an 82 minute reminder that you can catch more flies with shit than honey. With a barebones budget condemning it at every turn, the film can never even remotely outrun the limitations that ultimately define it, cementing for the audience what is simultaneously a castration on our childhoods, but also a desecration to our wallets.

My Grade: 1/10 or F-