3/10

The cure for insomnia has been gift wrapped to the audience, in Director Sergei Bodrov’s newest film “Seventh Son”. A 95 minute mixtape of some of the fantasy genre’s greatest cliches. Most of which are predictably bland, and all of which are easily done better in better films. The story is about witch hunter Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges). A knight who had imprisoned the violently powerful witch leader, Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore), centuries ago. She escapes in present day,and is seeking vengeance. Summoning her followers of every size, Mother Malkin is preparing to unleash her terrible wrath on an unsuspecting world. Only one thing stands in her way: Master Gregory. In a deadly reunion, Gregory comes face to face with the evil he always feared would someday return. He has only until the next full moon to do what usually takes years: train his new apprentice, Tom Ward (Ben Barnes) to fight a dark magic unlike any other. Man’s only hope lies in the seventh son of a seventh son. The premise would seem very important to Barnes character, but for a film that is based off of a novel, the role of Tom feels very forced in the film. To me, it almost feels like the film didn’t need this character, as Gregory was not only well versed in defending himself against large armies, but also quick on his feet for an alcoholic aging veteran. Barnes is easily my least favorite part of the story. Every time he is on screen, the movie slows down to it’s weakest halts. He not only seems too old for the part of Tom, but his on screen chemistry with Bridges is virtually non existent. This kind of thing was done much better in a weaker film in 2011’s “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”. In that film, the tandem of Nicolas Cage and Jay Baruchel at least felt entertaining with a dark humor to match the action. This film’s comedy is sadly absent, and it leaves us with a dry taste combo as a result of multiple boring history lessons, and fight scenes that are over before they begin. The whole effort by Bodrov just feels too rushed, and i for one hope there is a director’s copy to fix some of the vital slicing that the script took as a result. For those who don’t know, the movie has been on the shelf for two years to the month because of rising production costs. It’s amazing that this is the finished result because the CGI costs had to be outstanding. The monsters look silly even for a fantasy film, and i mean that in the movements of the creatures themselves. I know that the creatures are morphing human beings, but that doesn’t give the right for a tiger to walk like a human. It’s silly to think about an hour after the film, but even worse in a quiet theater where everyone around you is intrigued by such fascinating designs. Two huge problems i had with the film are going to really test the patience of my readers, but this is something that seriously bothered me. I will get the silly one out of the way first. The mother of the seven kids is played by long time film veteran, Olivia Williams. A woman who in real life is nearly 50, but doesn’t look a day over 35. She is also quite a petite actress. Now i’m not saying there was no way for a woman to lose the weight in the dark ages, but she looks damn good for having seven children. Especially when the youngest of which doesn’t look more than ten years younger than her. When did these births begin? Did she have quintuplets at one point? I personally would’ve cast an actress more believable physically for the audience to grasp that this woman has given birth seven times. My second problem is a huge one when it comes to Hollywood violence: the dreaded PG-13 rating, and it’s effects on a violent movie. The film feels like it directs R rated violence with PG gore. When i see someone in a film (or real life for that matter) get stabbed in the face by a spear and killed, i expect that at least a little blood will spill as a result of it. Most people can overlook this because the film is PG-13, but i ask why you would have such violence in a film if you can’t go all the way with it? It’s a cheap reaction, and it makes the movie suffer GREATLY because of it. Did Bodrov think it was a better idea to pretend blood doesn’t exist to begin with? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Overall, this film is every bit the silly and boring affair i thought it would be. It was great to see such big actors like Jeff Bridges and Julianne Moore (Both Oscar nominated) give their all to script dialogue that they were honestly way too good for. Moore gives the role her absolute most, and it’s a reflection of her constant professionalism. This film is going to do her zero favors as she takes home the Oscar this year for her role in “Still Alice”, but i don’t think she pictured it would be released two years after she participated in it. I think it will be tough for even the most dedicated of fantasy buffs to enjoy this film. It’s laughable dialogue combined with amateur CGI creature designs reeked of 2014’s “The Legend of Hercules”. Both movies felt like a SY-FY movie of the week following Sharknado. “Seventh Son” is a payday that the A-list actors would like to forget. It’s the kind of film that actors who go bankrupt refuse to make. At $9 a ticket, it’s $9 too much.