3/10

What happens when Johnny Depp runs out of accents and cooky characters to give his fans? Will he return to glorious roles that makes him one of Hollywood’s most recognizable stars? We won’t find out anytime soon with his latest garbage role as the title character in “Mortdecai”. Director David Koepp reunites with Depp for the first time since their 2004 collaborative effort on “Rear Window”. Charlie Mortdecai is a suave art dealer with a demanding wife (Gwyneth Paltrow), and a full time bodyguard (Paul Bettany). He is caught in the middle of angry Russians, the British MI5, and a thirst to get out of his inevitable debt. He is recruited to obtain a stolen painting rumored to contain the code to a lost bank account filled with Nazi gold. Where this film ultimately fails completely is in the fact that this movie is about Depp’s trials and tribulations, and not his much more interesting and morally structured bodyguard. I think a movie about Jacque (Bettany) would’ve not only been a much more intriguing picture, but it would’ve had a lot more comedy than the four or five lines that made me laugh in this film. Most of those are from Bettany’s impeccable comedic timing and facial reactions to some bizzare reactions to his male protagonist counterpart. Depp’s character doesn’t work at all in this film. We are supposed to support a character who can’t fight his own battles (EVER), or has zero charm despite being played by arguably Hollywood’s most charasmatic actor. To be frankly honest, the character reminded me a lot of Sacha Baron Cohen playing Borat. The awful accent is a mixture between Steve Martin’s dreadful french accent in “The Pink Panther”, and a touch of Borat’s Khazikstan. If this is supposed to sound British, it certainly doesn’t. The movie has much bigger problems though than just it’s character performances. The movie zooms by scene by scene, yet does the impossible by making the film feel dragged out. Charlie travels all over the world in and out of many countries. While the landscape transition scenes are very stylishly edited, it’s the timing of only a couple minutes in every country feel like many movies rushed into a 97 minute run time. I think if the movie took the time to slow down and let it’s audience comprehend every line and action by it’s characters, then the film won’t feel like just a collection of scenes trying to pass as one film. I can see even the strongest of Depp fanboys (err girls) having their patience tested on this one. A new Depp movie with a new Depp voice comes along every year, so what makes this one so special that you should even attempt to see it on DVD? Nothing that has anything to do with Depp anyway. The film is easily forgettable by an inability to decide if it’s satire or spoof. What we are left with feels like an inside joke that only the film’s cast is in on. Mortdecai is mortifying….or should i say Mortdifying?