Five carnival workers worst nightmare comes true on the eve of Halloween, in Rob Zombie’s latest horror hoot, “31”. On Halloween 1976 8 carnies are traveling in their van through the desert on their way to their next gig. After having a bit of fun hanging out in the van, they stop for gas. During the night they find the road blocked by scarecrows, as they investigate they’re attacked, while some are murdered the rest are kidnapped. They awake chained up in a fancy room where 3 aristocratically dressed people tell them they have been chosen to participate in their annual game of 31. They must attempt to survive 12 hours in an underground labyrinth like factory compound known as Murderworld. The 5 carnies each armed with a weapon try to kill to stay alive while they are being hunted by clown like killers known as the Heads. Sick-Head, Psycho-Head, Schizo-Head, Sex-Head, Death-Head and Doom-Head. The 3 people running the game bet on who will survive the longest because no one has ever survived. The prize for surviving is their freedom. “31” is rated R for strong bloody horror violence, adult language, sexuality and drug use.

A good telling if you’ve seen a Rob Zombie film, is if you feel the need to take a shower afterwards. The dirty, gritty carnage candy that seduces you like a violent storm that feels irresistible to your presence in your safe seat in the theater or at home. If there’s any reason that I’m taking a shower after watching “31”, Rob’s newest offering coming out in two weeks, it’s because I want to remove the overpowering foul stench that I got from sitting through 97 minutes of this awful mess. For those of you who read and follow my reviews, “Lords of Salem” was one of my least favorite films of 2013, and while “31” does have a few more enjoyable instances within its clutches, this movie is barely better than a film that I trashed from start to finish in my review. Zombie seems to feel content in taking experimental measures to his newest film that diminish any glow from a once promising film maker, keeping the world of horror alive. It’s predictable, anti-climatic, and worst of all; in-cohesive as a whole, with a screenplay that qualifies for one of the most underwhelming of 2016. There will be no reason to be afraid of clowns after this one. Once tortured men and women will kick clowns in the nuts because of the pathetic ambiance that Zombie has bestowed upon them.

First of all, this is a solid idea for a movie. The idea of five friends locked in a torture prison to survive the night certainly isn’t original, but there’s plenty that can be made of this particular premise. Why this doesn’t work is because everything in material feels like it’s played the opposite of. When a scene is meant to be horrific, it’s played for laughs, and when a scene is supposed to be funny, it’s played for terror. Nothing ever feels like it’s on the right train of clarity here, and one direction certainly overstays its welcome, diminishing any hopes of a legitimate scare throughout this film. Rob Zombie always uses comedy as a dry spot thirst quencher in every movie he directs, but the problem here is that comedy goes to the well far too often, failing on nearly every attempt that it makes to grab the audience with witty banter. There’s only so often that you can say the word “Fuck” in a single sentence without it losing its power, and that’s the best example of what happens here. Every other word is a curse word or something to do with raping one of the female cast members, and I felt truly mortified. The worst of all being an oral sex joke for a stillborn baby. Utterly disgusting. During the Q&A afterwards, Zombie mentions this film is for a particular audience. Yes Rob, and it’s one I hope I never come across.

The production value is probably my favorite aspect of the movie. If there’s one thing Zombie always does competently, it’s in his set pieces, which are very visually entrancing. Like most of Rob’s films, this too is set during the 70’s, and I don’t know a director who shoots the grungy, yellowish tint of this particular decade quite like this director. The torture prison itself is quite alluring, splashing the walls with dried blood and spray-painted vulgarities, as well as subtle lighting that always sets the mood for the upcoming terror behind every corner. If Zombie fails at carrying the mood, at least the setup is always something that he can always tip his cowboy hat to, because this film’s visual concept is a much needed improvement from the waste that was “Lords of Salem”.

From here it really gets ugly. I mentioned during my “Ben-Hur” review how I saw the worst shot conflict sequences of 2016, and sadly that record has only stood for two weeks. “31” removes any imagination that this movie has for its horror-hounds, who only want visual gore to please their thirst for the flesh. With the exception of one nicely choreographed visual gross-out during the second fighting sequence, this movie ruins every chance along the way that it has to relate the kind of visual terror at our feet. Shaky-Cam is of course the reasoning here, but Zombie makes it even worse, panning every which way but the thing that should be focused on. The camera revolves all around the action that I was trying to make out, and by the time it used untimely close-ups, I realized that I gave up in the hope that I would ever see a death played out. One conflict scene in particular, uses strobe lighting on top of shaking camera effects that would be terrible for a six-year-old. Now imagine that you got used to the camera going up, down, side-to-side, only to now have to deal with seizure-inducing effects that will have you clutching your eyes in agony. It got to the point where I had to look away, and this isn’t even a 3D movie. When will this particular trope of Hollywood remove itself from ruining every film that they partake in. Shaky-cam does have a time and a place, but it has to be creative while depicting what is going on before our very eyes.

Sheri Moon-Zombie is of course at the head of this casting, removing any doubt who will be the last person standing against the head antagonist Doom-Head. That’s honestly not a spoiler because if you have seen any of Zombie’s movies or checked out any of the poster art for “31”, you’ll notice Rob has a biased attitude towards his wife. While Sheri still earns a place at the casting dinner table, she definitely shouldn’t be the lead in any more movies. Her acting her is practically non-existent, as her demeanor never felt believable to me. Besides the final conflict being anything but unpredictable, she does absolutely nothing for female empowerment against a male who brutally beats her down. The ending made me so angry, and overall it was the cherry on the sundae that turned out to be wax when you bit into it. The only performance that I remotely enjoyed was that of Richard Brake as Doom-Head. The film starts off with his likeness narrating us as a tribute to the old Hitchcock horrors of the 60’s, and it sets the pace for a truly original take on a terror clown. Brake’s performance overall feels like the only thing that fits appropriately into place, instilling a brash brutality to the business side of horror. What really sucks if you get invested into this character is that you never see him again until the final twenty minutes of the movie. When he does pop up, it’s a scene that I personally felt ruined his mystique, because it removes the aura of mystery about him when we view him as an everyday loser. I could’ve done without this scene, as it’s one of many that kept the film at normal run time. A movie with JUST this character as the antagonist, and I could get behind that. Unfortunately, “31” feels an ensemble is always more terrifying. IT’S NOT.

Overall, “31” is a carnival of horrors that demands a refund. It’s a highlight reel for classic horror fans, but doesn’t pace itself with any likeability or context that made those movies classics. Zombie continues to miss the mark on compelling characters, and longs for the kind of depth that would make their deaths even remotely tragic. “31” isn’t Zombie’s worst film to date, but it sure offers a compelling argument for that debate.

3/10