1/10

There are movies that we all don’t like. Whether it’s in a weak plot, or terrible character development, or whatever, those films are forgotten in a pasture of terrible movies put to sleep in our minds forever. Then there are those films that are so bad that you can never truly forget them. They are immortal if only for the horrors they bestill in the history of your life. “Paul Blart 2” will be a part of me for the rest of my life because a part of me died on this dreaded day in 2015. After six years of keeping the mall safe, Paul Blart (Kevin James) is rewarded for his heroism during the first film. He is invited to Vegas with his teenage daughter before she heads off to college to partake in a convention for the world’s most acclaimed security officers. Paul is in vacation mode until he intercepts a big inside job with lots of art being stolen from Las Vegas by a madman (Neal Mcdonough) and his men. I’m not going to beat around the bush, this film was every bit as terrible as advertised. If you enjoyed the first film, you will be in Heaven by how much this film repeats the exact same gags and scenes almost shot for shot. Fat jokes are hilarious because Paul is fat, so we should laugh at how clumsy he is, and how much he eats. Seriously, there is no fewer than four scenes of Kevin James pigging out on unhealthy snacks. This has been Kevin James act for over fifteen years. Seriously, look back to his early filmography and you will find scripts in fat jokes over and over and over again. If he’s happy with his weight to poke fun at it, fine, but the jokes are older than Mayberry. Now to what is really wrong with this film. The movie clocks in at 89 minutes, which would be a positive if the scenes didn’t drag like a two hour snorefest. I didn’t laugh one time in this movie because many of the gags are either similar to their earlier counterpart film, or easy to telegraph from a mile away. The best chances for a laugh are those that are in the trailer, but i don’t understand how you can laugh at something you have seen a thousand times. You know the punchline that is coming, so it’s like you know the answer before the film asks the question. The CGI backgrounds continue the tradition of sloppiness for Happy Madison, but this film takes it even further. It’s almost like you are watching two different screens whenever these scenes take place, and they don’t blend well together. If you are like me, you can notice sun shining on people walking by in a day when it’s not sunny outside for the scene. These scenes stick out like a sore thumb and ruin the joke before it happens because you expect something since the scene looks very artificial. The characters (Blart included) are so unlikeable, as you search for someone to believe in, but are left on the doorstep of disappointment. Mcdonough has always been a great villain, but his work is too short here. He’s the villain of the film and we see him for maybe a total of ten minutes. We actually get more out of his henchmen who are smart enough to pull off a 13-piece art heist, but then fall prey to an idiot who can’t even see a glass door in front of him. There are also wonderful scenes of continuity issues. Small spoiler – During a fight scene, Blart is trapped in a suitcase and dumped into a water fountain. The water is coming through the bag with Blart panicking. In the very next scene, we see him hopping out of the fountain. The film doesn’t show him finding a knife, or biting the suitcase, or anything. If the director of the film doesn’t care about the audience and treats you all like idiots, then why should you believe this muck? Some of you will tell me that it’s just a comedy movie and i shouldn’t take it seriously. If that’s the case, then why don’t i give a pass to every movie when continuity doesn’t match? If you think i’m taking things too seriously, consider that Rotten Tomatoes currently has this film at a 0%. Let that soak in for a minute. Hell, i gave the movie a 1/10 because i can still understand that i have seen worse films than this. Not many, but they do exist. “Paul Blart 2” is the very definition of a pointless cash-grab sequel. There’s no reason for it’s existence other than to ruin what little positive memories we had of the first film. Maybe the real essence of this film is to make the first film resemble “Citizen Kane”. If that’s the point, then Mr Blart, you have succeeded.