The Lords of Salem

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1/10

I WANT MY 96 MINUTES BACK!!!! Where do i start with this horrible sack of shit? Rob Zombie’s 5th film feature tells the tale of a bunch of 17th century witches who haunt the dreams of Sherri Moon Zombie because there is a certain something they want from her. This movie was a complete waste of anything that has to do with film. The only thing i liked about the movie was Bruce Davidson and he dies with about 20 minutes left in the movie. Sherri Moon Zombie is a completely terrible actress. I don’t care if she is Rob Zombie’s wife or that she shows her naked body in every movie that she is in. If she never acted again, it would be one of the great justices that the American people ever experienced. This movie goes down in history with some of my other all-time nightmares like The Wicker Man, Fear Dot Com and The Ring. The one thing i can say about those movies though, is that at least they had a decent premise. I’m not saying this is the worst movie i have ever seen, but it’s pretty damn close. At the end of the day, i am not sure what genre this belongs to. There isn’t enough blood or gore for it to be a horror movie. There isn’t enough mystery or edge of the seat moments for it to be suspense. The movie’s ending is probably only 2nd to The Devil Inside as far as worst all time endings are concerned. I don’t recommend this film in theaters or DVD rental. If you even have the chance to get a free download, JUST SAY NO. Whatever movie i review next is going to look like The Shawshank Redemption compared to this piece of shit.

42

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8.5/10

It’s funny to go from my earlier review to this because this is one of my favorite films of the year so far. This film shows the struggles that Jackie Robinson went through in his rookie year in pro baseball. One of the things i loved about this film was the fact that it didn’t just show the struggles of Jackie, but the struggles of his family, friends and even his teammates. It was great to see this team come together as a band of brothers who had each others backs when they realized Jackie is their teammate. The only minor criticism i had for the movie was that it only covers his rookie year. I would’ve liked to have seen this story span over the first seven years of his career to the point of him beating the Yankees in the World Series in 1955. I felt that if you even had to make it a 2 and a half hour movie to get to that point that it would’ve been entertaining enough to keep up through that length. Other than that, it’s a film that i highly recommend to any sports or non-sports fan. The performances of Chadwick Boseman as Jackie and Harrison Ford as Branch Rickey are incredible enough to give this film a gander. I also really thought the cinematography of Ebbits Field was amazing. They got everything down perfectly to a tee with the stadium design of a stadium that has been gone for over 50 years

Scary Movie 5

 

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2.5/10

This movie is close to being the worse film of the year for me. If not for the catastrophe that was Movie 43, this film would definitely make history as not only the worst film of the year, but of the last five years easily. With the exception of one scene, i didn’t laugh one time in this entire film. It’s a shame because the first two Scary Movie’s were actually really good and filled with laughs. This franchise has been on a down slope since getting rid of the Wayans Brothers. This film makes the movie A Haunted House look like Casablanca. Most of the movies represented in this film aren’t horror movies at all and they don’t put any effort in hiding that fact. The oddest thing to me was the fact that almost NONE of the scenes that were shown in the trailers were in the movie. I guess they all went on the chopping block because they are nowhere to be found. This movie clocks in at 75 measly minutes that feel like a lifetime. There were many points when i almost gave up. I don’t recommend this film for anyone; not even the biggest mindless idiots walking the planet. Nobody will or SHOULD like this movie

Evil Dead (2013)

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8/10

Really great horror movie that was a non stop gorefest. I really enjoyed the references to the original movies and the creative ways they accomplished it. I recommend this movie as a movie that you don’t really take seriously but a movie that you go to have fun with your friends. The only things i didn’t like were the cast. I couldn’t care less what happened to them. There were also certain things that were done by a nail gun and a chainsaw that i couldn’t believe, but i will bitch about that more later. I totally recommend this film to everyone.

GI Joe : Retaliation

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6.5/10

Decent movie with a lot of great fight scenes. The Rock and Bruce Willis were decent additions to this sequel. The 3D wasn’t really necessary because there wasn’t a lot that really made the 3D stand out in this movie. My favorite scene is probably the entirety of the snow mountain scene. Very awesome martial arts used in that incredible fast paced scene. Some of the dialogue as well as the implausibility is what really took away from the movie for me. I recommend it for fans of the cartoon and comic, but i don’t think it’s a necessity that you see it in theaters.

The Place Beyond the Pines

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9.5/10

Absolutely the most powerful film of 2013 so far. Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper deserve Oscars for performances that are definitely the best thing that either one of them have ever done. I will try to review this without spoiling anything. This movie is awesome because it has so much balls to do something ultra shocking in the first 1/3 of the film. After that it turns into a story that crosses the characters interactions so well that it becomes that kind of film on the likes of ‘Crash’. This movie had beautiful cinematography in the way it was shot and edited. It takes a yuppie town and really makes something beautiful out of it. The woods itself was a character in this movie. The score is also not disappointing as it compliments a jump in the story 15 years ahead and gives music for that time. The only problem i really had with this film was the running time of 2 hours and 20 minutes. While i totally understand why the film was this long as they had to build up the big payoffs they were giving by the end, i do think that an average movie fan will be bored by the 2 hour mark. It kept me pretty well entertained, but i can see both sides of the ball on that one. The biggest thing i got from this movie was the fact that it may be better if we don’t know everything about our pasts. Sometimes they will come back to haunt. I recommend this film to anyone who digs powerful performances and deep impacting situations.

The Spectacular Now

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6.5/10

Miles Teller and Shailene Woodley give a good performance to an otherwise empty script. I did like this film for the things it did do right. It represents teens from the way they talk and act to a perfect tee. Some of the conversations in this film are some of the same ones i see on Facebook today. It’s because of the two leads that this film receives a passing grade from me. Teller stars as an alcoholic teenager on the verge of graduation when he takes a chance on an unpopular girl at school (Woodley). The two surprise each other and share such a connection to one another that takes them through the rest of the school year. This film represents alcoholism in the light that it needs to be shown. It’s a real life problem with teenagers, and this film has the guts to make it a focal point for most of the film. The problem i have with it is that it’s predictable where it’s going and what is going to happen for the last half hour of this film. I actually accurately predicted the horrible event that would shake up their relationship by the end of the film. Another weird thing is that this film has some extreme fast forward scenes. We don’t hear much talk or see much preparation for Prom and then BOOM, it cuts to prom out of nowhere. We find out Teller needs a C to pass a class or he doesn’t graduate and then BOOM, it cuts to graduation. These are big events that need more screen time. The ending left me with good and bad feelings. Good because he confronts the problems within himself that have hurt his chances at a bright future. Bad because there are so many questions left unanswered. The Spectacular Now is a decent film that should be seen for it’s examples of the decisions we make having severe consequences. I just think for the most part that the audience who will enjoy this film the most is ages 16-21

Olympus Has Fallen

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7/10

A really good action movie that reminds me a lot of the 80’s action flicks we have come to love. Infact, this movie was more Die Hard than the newest Die Hard sequel that came out last month. Gerard Butler was incredibly badass as a former Secret Service agent who returns to the White House to take down a Korean terrorist threat. This movie had so much more than just action, it also had comedy, decent acting and an incredible cast that included Aaron Eckhart and Morgan Freeman. The weaknesses for me was the way they made it look completely easy to break into the safest building in the world. Other than that, it’s a fun time at the movies. I recommend it to anyone who doesn’t have to watch the greatest movie in the world, but just a good old school action flick.

Admission

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7/10

A pretty good film about a woman (Tina Fey) who works in the Princeton admissions office and finds out that her son who she gave up for adoption is a prodigy who will be applying there. Going into this film i expected it to be a comedy with people like Tina Fey and Paul Rudd, but i was very surprised to see that this is every bit the romantic drama films of the 90’s. One thing i really liked about this film was the way it taught you about how hard it really is to get into these Ivy league schools. I also think this is a film that those schools don’t want you to see, as the snob “we’re better than you” reputation is presented in a crystal clear light. I also enjoyed Rudd as he has shown the ability to pull of comedies and romantic films. At this point in his career, i am a big fan and will usually watch anything he is in. The only thing i didn’t like about this film was it’s dragging at parts. It does take this film a good 30 minutes to finally get you into it, but once you get there it does present a very original story. If you know me, you know originality gets extra points in my book, and that is why i recommend giving Admission a shot. The ladies will love it.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

 

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4.5/10

This film is by far one of the worst of the year. It’s not funny even in the least and has problems deciding if it is a comedy or a drama. I personally think it works better as a drama, but it’s still a very poor written film. It’s a shame to see how far Steve Carrell and Jim Carrey have fallen in their careers. The only slight saving graces in this film were the performances of Alan Arkin and James Gandolfini. Other than that, it’s a complete waste of anybody’s time. The ending is so unbelievable even for a comedy that it left me completely speechless. The biggest tragedy about this movie is the fact that Steve Carrell’s character is the most unlikeable guy and rude to Olivia Wilde’s character, but we are supposed to believe that she falls for him?? TRASH

The Call

 

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6/10

Actually a lot better than i thought it was going to be. I really enjoyed all of the things the movie taught me about Emergency Operators. It’s crazy to think of all the things they go through in a typical day. This movie had a lot of action and decent dialogue, but the acting could have been better. I hated Abigail Breslin and found myself actually rooting for the killer because she was a beyond annoying teenager. The ending is kind of an anti-climax and cost this film a point in my review. I felt the movie would’ve been a lot better if Halle Berry stayed at the call center instead of going after the killer. I recommend it from a $1 Redbox, but i wouldn’t waste time on seeing it in theaters. Nothing special.

Spring Breakers

 

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4/10

WOW!!! This movie was awful. I will go ahead and get the good things out of the way first. James Franco gives an amazing performance as a rapper/drug dealer who serves as the main ally of the girls. There were times that i even forgot that Mr. Franco was even in the movie. Other than that, there is not one single redeeming quality to this shitfest. The dialogue is completely awful between the characters, so much so that at times they repeat the same lines twice. The camera angles mix into conversations so badly that it looks like they came out of the Spike Lee school of cinematography. But at least Spike Lee has a purpose for some of the meaningless shots that he includes in his films. This movie treats you like you are a five year old who doesn’t know the extreme dangers of Spring Break. Apparently this is the message they are trying to convey as all four girls (Selena Gomez most of all) are the dumbest airheads i have probably ever come across in cinema. So wait a minute, there are bad guys who do drugs and only want to have sex with innocent girls at Spring Break? GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN!!! This movie at times did remind me of Alpha Dog as it becomes apparent that these girls might not have a happy ending, but what Alpha Dog did different was make us care about their characters by developing them better. I didn’t care for one second what happened to these spoiled brats who rob a bank just to pay for Spring Break. I only recommend this film on Red Box and that is only if you don’t have high standards when it comes to film. If you really want a crime movie about four strong females, i recommend Set it Off. It’s a little high strung on the dramatic at times, but it’s message is a hell of a lot better than Spring Breakers.