The Vatican Tapes

The Vatican Tapes

The biggest battle between good and evil is about to take place through the eyes of a young woman during the night of her 23rd birthday. In ‘The Vatican Tapes’, Angela Holmes (Olivia Taylor Dudley) is a young woman on the cusp of a great life. She has a beautiful home, a loving boyfriend (John Patrick Amedorl), and an army coloniel father (Dougray Scott) who would do anything to protect her. She begins to have a devastating effect visible to those closest to her, causing serious injury and death. Holmes is examined and possession is suspected, but when the Vatican is called upon to exorcise the demon, the possession proves to be an ancient satanic force more powerful than ever imagined. It’s all up to Father Lozano (Michael Pena) to wage war for more than just Angela’s soul, but for the world as we know it. The plot of this film sounds like more than enough to maybe produce a sleeper hit for the Summertime season, even so much as not needing a found footage resolution to garner cheap thrills to it’s audience, and instead opting for the movie style of realtime shooting. So where does it all go wrong? EVERYTHING. This movie is without a pulse, just like it’s main protagonist. The movie borders on directionless ground with many of the scares essentially coming out of nowhere with very little to no build. This results in a lack of anything serious to pull out a scare or shriek from it’s audience. In fact, many of the films possession scenes are played off in such a ridiculous manner that i couldn’t help but laugh from the obsurdity and underwhelming acting from a cast of mostly veteran Hollywood actors. Scott and Djimoun Honsou are almost non existent in their portrayals. The movie needed some veteran leadership that it never found, and it felt to me at least that these two had very little interest to be in the film. Pena is definitely the best part of the movie, but it’s hard to fully grasp him as a man of the cloth with some of the roles in his recent films. For now, he will be typecast as a comedic clown, and it’s unfortunate because a movie like this was really his best chance at breaking out of the mold. I mentioned before that the movie didn’t do the found footage gimmick, and this is true all until the final half hour of the movie when we see that a lot of these scenes are afterwards being watched on a surveillance style kind of camera. Who is watching these? It’s never really made clear. I mean, i know they are being presented to the audience, but that is one of many ways to make your movie painfully obvious in the self aware field. The ending to the movie feels like it is trying to get preachy about the people in our own world who we are ready to write off as profits. The message is very jumbled and not exactly coherent, and we are left with a final image that feels like another twenty minutes are coming, somewhere just beyond the credits. It never happens, and it all sums up the 83 minutes of time wasted. ‘The Vatican Tapes’ is another failed experiment in possession films. A genre that has long since reached it’s peak for cinematic creativity in 2005’s ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose’. In that film, we were treated to a courtcase drama, as well as a possession film. This movie offered nothing original, and even mocks many scenes from past movies that were done a hundred times better. It’s all so poorly done that Director Mark Neveldine (The Crank movies) better thank his lucky stars that the ‘Scary Movie’ franchise isn’t what it was ten years ago, because this movie screams and points to be made fun of. Don’t waste your time on such poorly made chuck.

2/10

Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser

Joe Dirt 2

2/10

A word of advice to my readers; there are some straight to DVD films that are great that not a lot of people know about. There are ZERO straight to internet films that are any good. To call ‘Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser’ a film is perhaps granting the biggest pass i ever have in life. The movie picks up 14 years after the first film, with Joe Dirt (David Spade) returning as the mullet-wearing, classic rock and roll loving, down on his luck white trash hero who embarks on another epic journey. This time, he travels back to the past in a soul searching effort to get back to Brandy (Brittany Daniel) and their loving family. The original ‘Joe Dirt’ had some charm to it whether you enjoyed it or not. There was a deeper story beneath the Happy Madison exterior that intrigued it’s audience to get behind this lovable loser. The bad news with the sequel is that it completely steps on and ruins anything from the first film that you enjoyed. Comedy sequels are often never good, especially a decade and a half after the previous effort. Far too often, this film and sequels in general rely on the common formula of cruder dialogue, animated characters, and repeated jokes that were told in the original film. For anyone who watched ‘A Christmas Story 2’ and thought all of the repeated jokes gave the movie a lack or original inspiration, you will hate everything about this movie. Even when the jokes are repeated, they aren’t even told line for line correctly as they were in the first movie. It’s like the cast had an idea to make a sequel, but didn’t care to revisit the original to study for their characters. And why should they? This torrentially putrid offering from Director Fred Wolf clearly thinks it’s audience is as dumb as the characters being represented in the film. It was nice to bring back actors from the first film like Kickin Wayne, Buffalo Bob, or Clem (Christopher Walken), but it’s the film’s supporting cast where i noticed some huge errors in casting. A couple of the actors from the first movie who only had a line or two are re-cast as totally different characters with different names and backgrounds. Is this a movie you really want to suspend your disbelief for? With the exception of one brief pity laugh, i remained silent throughout ‘Joe Dirt 2’. In an effort to make this 101 minutes go by even quicker, i tried to take as little of breaks as possible, but i had to stop three times. With the movie being presented on the internet website known as Crackle, it’s hard to feel like you have to sit through the movie like you would in a movie theater without missing some important dialogue or character build. The hardest part for me was the lack of structure in the story’s one dimensional plot. The movie feels like a collection of Youtube scenes shot for fans still aching for Joe Dirt’s tired schtick. The plot lacks any kind of imagination while ripping off better movies like ‘Cast Away’, ‘Forrest Gump’, and ‘There’s Something About Mary’. All of these films came out before the first Joe Dirt, so why are these tired jokes being used now? I’ll tell you why, because they weren’t good enough to make the first film. I personally enjoyed a lot about the first movie, and while it’s not a film that ages very well with time, it’s always the perfect lazy Sunday afternoon brain-on-mute kind of entertainment. I am just upset that the sequel will leave a bad taste in my mouth with that first offering that i will never be able to forget. The first movie ends so positively for these characters and the finalizing of their stories that there really is no need for this pointless wreck. I recommend that nobody watch this movie. Even if you are somehow dying to see it after watching the trailers, TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. To receive this movie for free VIA internet website, is paying too much. I knew this movie would be bad, but to be in contention for the worst film of 2015 not only disappoints me emotionally, but it also makes me want to give an apology to Kevin James for his awful effort in ‘Paul Blart 2’. You know what?…………….I’m not going that far.

Hot Pursuit

Hot Pursuit

2/10

Hot Garbage would be a better title. ‘Hot Pursuit’ is the latest film from Director, Anne Fletcher, a woman who knows a thing or two about awkward pairings with her 2012 directorial debut, ‘The Guilt Trip’. Her latest film is about an uptight and rule following cop (Reese Witherspoon) who tries to protect the vivacious and outgoing widow (Sofia Vergara) of a drug boss as they race through South Texas, pursued by crooked cops and murderous gunmen. If i am thankful for one thing in the dull, unfunny film, it’s the short run time of 82 minutes. The movie has just enough storyline to make a feature film, but it’s structure is stretched unbelievably in the standing still progression of the duo’s adventure. Not many things are believable in this mess, and that includes the duo’s friendship as well as Reese Witherspoon’s character being a cop who can’t 1) Do a pull up, or 2) Figure out a Longhorn tattoo from a shooting suspect that she has drawn upside down. Witherspoon is so much better than this movie, it’s not even funny (Double meaning). After the role of her career in 2014’s ‘Wild’, this has to be one of the biggest steps back for an A-list actress. That unwelcoming presence is enforced by a lack of chemistry with her big mouth co-star, and a southern accent that has her fighting for mediocrity. The two ladies bicker back and forth, and by a half hour into the film i felt like i was close to walking out with the torture it unloaded on my ears. They both play for comedic laughs with neither one playing the straight person role for the film. Every comedy needs a straight laced no nonsense character to bounce off the jokester of the movie for great comedic timing reactions. Those reactions never happen here because both ladies are played off like their personalities turned to eleven. If this handicap isn’t enough, the two have to work their way out of some of the worst comedy lines i have heard in a film this year. ‘Hot Pursuit’ feels like it could’ve been directed by Seth Macfarlane for it’s unapolagetic repitition of on-going jokes. No fewer than three times are we reminded by breaking news reports on televisions that Witherspoon is short and looks like a boy, and Vergara is old. Reese’s height is smaller with each passing story (5’2 then 5’0 and so on), and Sofia’s age increases (40 then 45 and so on) with each briefing. Fletcher is clearly trying for a buddy cop movie that was the rave in the 80’s, and there are some noticeable winks to that genre, but a lack of action scenes combined with an odd couple paring that doesn’t do anything spectacular when compared to other films of that stature. ‘Hot Pursuit’ is the ‘Tammy’ of 2015. Both movies with two leading actresses who should keep moving forward and forget that these career killing mistakes ever existed to begin with. There should be no pursuit even for this DVD. It’s better left collecting dust before making it’s way to the bargain buy-one-get-one pile.

The Lazarus Effect

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2/10

The line between life and death is blurred dramatically, in this newest psychological horror thriller from Director, David Geib (Reawakening). Frank (Mark Duplass) and Zoe (Olivia Wilde) are college scientists who have achieved the unthinkable: bringing the dead back to life. After a successful, yet unsanctioned trial on a newly deceased animal, the team is ready to unveil their breakthrough to the world. When the dean of their university learns of their underground experiments, their¬† project is unexpectedly shut down and their materials confiscated. During a late night break in, Zoe is killed in a freak accident, and brought back to life using the team’s dangerous serum. The results prove that once a person is gone, they can never be the same. Blumhouse Productions are known for their mind numbing efforts when it comes to B-Grade horror films, but “The Lazarus Effect” takes the spoiled cake. It’s an absolute mess of a film that is rushed on run time (78 Minutes), and lacking on definition for creative kills (PG-13 rating). The movie takes a pretty decent cast with supporting turns by Evan Peters, Sarah Bolger, and mainstream rapper Donald Glover (Better known as Childish Gambino), and wastes their talents with very little about their backstories. The film puts us in a position where we are supposed to care for four scientists who are trying to play God by forcing life upon helpless animals (one of which shows dangerous side effect when being brought back), and feel for them when they are to stupid to throw in the towel. The movie’s sloppy production comes full circle with two scenes i counted that were repeated for other scenes. One in particular displays a wide shot of the college campus with two extras having the most awkward silenced background conversation i have ever seen. Because these extras made me laugh upon the first time i saw them, it wasn’t hard to recognize them wearing the same clothing, and making the exact same hand gestures that they did in a different scene only five minutes prior. Did they really think nobody would notice this? There is a guard on the floor who occasionally checks in on the team, but he disappears during the second half of the film when all of these overwhelmingly audible events should make him curious. Nope, he’s gone forever once the team outsmart him by hiding. The film does supply some creepy imagery, but nothing ever sticks out from a limited rating that always pulls the camera away when someone is about to bite the dust. I wasn’t expecting to go into this movie yearning for a descriptive explanation on how everything works, but the film takes pages from 2014’s “Lucy” when it explains that Zoe can now use 100% of her brain as a result of this serum. The explanation is presented with scientific gibberish that the directors hope the audience is too stupid to understand. Nothing needs explained when it comes to the dead tissue that a brain suffers when life has been taken. I guess the serum just fixes these dead cells, but you would never know it because the movie doesn’t care to explain it. Everything is rushed along so much so that the film gets down to it’s final twenty five minutes, and we realize no one has been killed. What follows are jump scare deaths that never quite earn the jump. For those of you who know me, you know i hate jump scares in horror movie. Not because they scare me, but because they are the cheapest method of terror psychology. A true director will create an eerie setting and rely more on the performances of it’s actors to translate the terror to the audience. 2014’s “The Babadook” is a great example of such methods. The ending of “The Lazarus Effect” did nothing to lift a fast dropping rating. The movie just ends without that last scream, or shock that makes us feel like we spent our money wisely. What is it with horror movies in the 21st century where 90% of them don’t know how to end their films? Instead of the idea first, think about an ending that gives the crowd something they have to see, then build it going backwards. It sounds weird, but you have to know where you’re going before you know how to get there. Overall, avoid this one like the plague. I suppose the film hits it’s target because it couldn’t possibly aim any lower. It’s redemption is in it’s short run time, but this film (Like the corpse) are dead from the opening bell.

The Loft

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2/10

Director Erik Van Looy takes the helm of the 2011 original Sweedish film titled “Loft”. In the remake, Karl Urban and James Marsden star in the story of five guys who conspire to secretly share a penthouse loft in the city–a place where they can indulge in their deepest fantasies. But the fantasy becomes a nightmare when they discover the dead body of an unknown woman in the loft, and they realize one of the group must be involved. Paranoia seizes them as everyone begins to suspect one another. Friendships are tested,¬† loyalties are questioned and marriages crumble as one bombshell after another drops. Not many things can be said in the positive department for “The Loft”. It currently holds a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, but i think the film is a little better deserving than that. There is a slight feel of a Hitchcock thriller hiding deep below the surface. Looy takes a script full of swerves, but many of them are painfully obvious for a dedicated viewer during the first act. This movie shows pieces of the ending to kick off the film. The problem with this in any movie, is that you know the subtle clues to look for when figuring it all out. For instance, there is a man laying on a car dead for the film’s first shot. We notice he has on gloves, and you only have to keep that in mind when thinking where the ending direction of this film is headed. Many of the surprises are like that. I found myself accurately predicting about 80% of the big twists in this movie, with the other 20% being completely unnecessary. These twists themselves are so hard to believe to anyone with even half of a brain to understand how impossible it would be for these characters to be in these places in the given explanations. On the subject of the acting/character work, that is the true weakness of the film. Marsden and Urban try their hardest with script dialogue that feels like something out of a Lifetime Network TV show. In fact, this whole movie feels like three thinly stretched half hour episodes of a hip young adult drama. The repetitive monotonous tones of the score play slowly and reach higher lengths right as we find out a big bombshell that feels like the end of an episode. It never feels like a movie because it’s a story that lacks total structure. Nothing is ever built for the long term to let the viewer truly soak every new piece of information in. Instead, we are given the next bombshell dropped before we can ever enjoy the last one. The film had good pacing during the first act, but i feel like there are too many things to reveal in the second and third to make it feel overcrowded. It was great to see Prison Break’s Wentworth Miller in an eye opening role even if the film is garbage. His work in the movie is among the very few bright spots i took away from it. The biggest problem with the men around Miller is the inability to believe that these guys were ever friends in the first place. Modern Family’s Eric Stonestreet is one of the friends in the groups, and he spouts these awful lines that are so degrading to women that even the most dedicated of groups would have trouble considering this guy for a spot in their wedding. Maybe his spot is acceptable because every single one of these five protagonists (if you can call them that) are pigheaded and lack a single redeeming quality to ever make you care about them. I feel like this film has done for men what Gone Girl has done for women. If you are on a date night, i would steer clear of this one. Overall, “The Loft” is as bizarre as it is silly. It’s storytelling is as subtle as an atom bomb drop in a highly populated city. It’s unpleasant people doing unpleasant things, and there is nothing “Must See” about that.

Strange Magic

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2/10

There is no film title in 2015 that will make more sense than that of “Strange Magic”. While the film tends to have trouble with the later part of that title, the movie is by far and away one of the strangest offerings i have ever seen from the Disney name. The film has it’s little charms, mostly in the animation aspect itself by George Lucas’s LucasFilm studio. However, this is the first truly terrible film of 2015, and i can see this one standing the test of time in that aspect. The movie, a chaotic fairy tale musical inspired by “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Two different neighboring worlds tell the story of Fairies, Goblins, and elves as they search for life’s greatest wish; love. I watched this film in complete amazement because i couldn’t believe this warranted a big screen release. Far and away, the movie’s biggest problem is in the form of it’s paper thin plot. It feels like someone wrote a twenty minute outline for a film about ugly creatures with a moral of “Looks aren’t everything”. The moral is great, the execution stretches the moral to ripping shreds. As i mentioned, the film is a musical, and it’s in that genre that this film commits the biggest sins for the reason i despise the genre. If a character says they are in love, you can expect to hear “I can’t Help Falling In Love” five seconds after hearing that declaration. If a character is evil and menacing, you will hear “Trouble”. It’s more examples of how animated films today mostly treat children like idiots, and how everything has to be spelled out for them. The movie seriously has no fewer than 30 performances. I know because i started counting them midway through the film. Musical numbers would be OK if it weren’t for two big problems that it had on the film. 1) The singing is terrible. Kristen Chenoweth stars in the film, and is usually one for on key performances. But there is something about her singing in “Strange Magic” that makes my ears bleed. Even the creatures in the film hilariously grabbed their ears in agony for the only true emotional bond i have with this movie. 2) The overbearing amount of musical numbers serve as a pause button for any character development or storyline progression going on. There were times where i forgot where we were with the characters because the movie couldn’t go five minutes without stopping for some moronic character to howl about their emotions. The musical numbers aren’t original pieces at all, and that’s not really a big problem, but it leaves no memorable note for the audience to carry long after they leave the theater. One of the biggest things that made “Frozen” such a box office success, was the beautifully lyrical original score. Think about it, what is the first thing people remember about that film? THE MUSIC. That is the problem with “Strange Magic” being a karaoke night of awful top 40 love songs. Thank God for Lucas’s animation touch because the film would fall even further if it wasn’t for the stunning design. The characters all have detailed structures to the creatures they convey. The landscape of the forests is a wonderous dream of beautiful backdrops. There were times where the film’s setting reminded me of a “Fern Gully” 2015 reboot. The cast of the movie is alright if they aren’t singing. Any film with “Strange” in the title has to star Alan Cumming, and he is good as The Goblin King. Evan Rachel Wood, Kristen Chenoweth, and Maya Rudolph round out a supporting cast that do good voice work, but nothing to ever take it to the next level. They are all easily recognizable with their signature voices. “Strange Magic” is a film that tells it’s audience that looks don’t matter, and it’s true. Looks don’t matter, but plot, musical quotas, and character development certainly do. The movie should’ve been focused more on these things, but it’s end result will make for a forgettable film in a 2015 that will have more than it’s share of creative and magical animated offerings.

Left Behind

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2/10

A pilot and father of two (Nicolas Cage) plans on a getaway rendezvous with an airplane stewardess he works with. He is a pilot on a flight to London when the rapture hits the world, and millions of people vanish without a trace. Left Behind is the newest in religious propoganda films that is by far the worst of this film genre that i have seen this year. Before i begin, this review might be offensive to some who shutter any time i mention religious films not turning out good, and if you don’t want an honest review, leave now. There are so many things wrong with this film that i worry i will forget about something. First of all, the positives. Nicolas Cage is far too good of an actor to do a film like this. He feels asleep during the film, and it seems like more of a paycheck collect for someone who had tax evasion problems with the government last year. He doesn’t even feel like the main character in this film as a majority of screen time is spent on his daughter, Chloe (Cassi Thomson) and Chad Michael Murray. Murray is the lone good thing about this film. He plays a news journalist who rides shotgun opposite of Cage in the plane when half of the passengers disappear. Murray tries his hardest with his role, and it feels like he is happy just to be cast. The problem with him however is that he doesn’t have anyone else to bounce off of to create good drama in a film that never can get off the ground. The acting isn’t terrible, but there are many lines that scream out that this film will lead the film world in Razzie nominations this year. The action sequences visually look like something out of Sharknado with terrible green screen animation. There are points during the rapture where the people running on the street don’t look real.I even laughed at a couple of parts because the same running scene played over and over. I could tell because it was a wide shot where the same man carrying a big screen TV grabbed a woman and ripped her out of her car so he could steal it. Another big problem with the film is that it brings out the worst not only in religious people, but atheists as well. The religious people in the film come off as psychotics who are pushing their beliefs on the non-believers, and the atheists come off as heartless jerks who can never just respect others beliefs. So who do you root for in the movie? What do you look forward to in a film that has no antagonist, so therefore no conflict? Sure, the film has the rapture (A terrible tacky one at that), but what happens after that? What is left for the remaining hour that makes you even care about this film? The remainder of the film is about landing the plane that has been hit by another plane and supposedly has no severe damage other than a clipped wing. I can’t say enough about how unbelievable the ending is except that i am not stupid enough to believe even for a second that it’s plausible. SPOILERS SPOILERS – Cage and Murray need a mile long stretch to land the plane, but they don’t have enough fuel to get to an airport. The last hour of the film shows the two men trying to get ahold of Chloe their cell phones are getting no signal. Then, when Chloe is about to commit suicide, the phones magically work out of nowhere. Gee, that was convenient. Happy to hear from her father, she clears a construction zone road full of cones, trucks, and oil barrels. Cage can’t see the road, so Chloe has to light a fire to create runway lights. This is stupid for two reasons. The first is obviously that a plane leaking fuel and flying into fire is probably not a good idea for the passengers on board. The second is the eight or nine oil barrels surrounding the construction area that Chloe has already set on fire. It’s thinking like this that makes me think director Vic Armstrong didn’t care how much sense it made because he knew the religious crowds would see any movie about preserving your faith. You people are much smarter than this. There have been tons of films like this in 2014, and they will keep coming if you can overlook huge plotholes and faults in a film that features Jesus tones. The biggest hole to me is the fact that the film mentions all of the children of the world disappearing. So i guess this means even the evil ones huh? Oh forget about them? You know, the ones who kill their parents or accidentally drown animals. I guess they are forgiven. So if they are forgiven, why not the adults? I’m not going to pretend for a second that i enjoyed any of the Kirk Cameron Left Behind films, but they were a hell of a lot better than this dark day in October. The only part believable in Left Behind is the praying. Not for the safety of the passengers, but for the actors who wanted out of this film or to be “Left Behind”. Not recommended in any form.

The Identical

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2.5/10

The story of twin brothers seperated at birth because the parents could only afford raising one child. Both children turn out to be amazing singers with one becoming the biggest rock star in the world. The Identical is easily the sloppiest film i have seen in 2014. That doesn’t mean it is the worst movie i have seen, but it is pretty damn close. What made this movie a guaranteed failure was the movements of actor Blake Rayne playing both of the brothers as Elvis rip offs. When i first saw the trailer to this film, i thought it was a biopic on Elvis Pressley, but then i heard that the brothers names were Ryan and Drexel, and immediatly i was confused. Why would you make a film with a singer who looks, acts, sounds, and moves like Elvis Pressley and then name him something else and change the story completely. The story isn’t good or compelling at all, but i would’ve had more respect for director Dustin Marcellino if he would’ve given his musical act an original feel. I can only imagine that they had trouble with the licensing rights from the Pressley family, but that is even defunct when the film mentions Elvis Pressley a couple of times. So we are led to believe that it’s ok to live in a world where not one singer looks and sings the same, but three different singers (Elvis included) do it? Ridiculous. I know the pop music haters will come back at me with every singer looks and sounds the same, but consider this movie to be like if Kesha looked like Britney Spears. That is the kind of logic that The Identical uses. The soundtrack is unforgiving with generic Elvis songs because this isn’t Elvis’s story. The songs feel like B-side Elvis songs that The King passed on to write the stuff he was legendary for. On top of it, there isn’t many of these original songs to go around so we get to hear them played over and over again. No one can listen to these songs and tell me that they weren’t going for an Elvis impersonator. Think whatever you want about my review writing, but i’m not acceptable to a movie that was this lazy. Why don’t we just make a rock star impersonator franchise and put Jimi Hendrix in Ghostbusters 3? The makeup and wig work is laughable for all the wrong reasons. Ryan’s hair grows and trims itself without any explanation what so ever. If he is wearing wigs, we certainly don’t see it from the awful editing work going on behind the camera. The funniest thing about the makeup to me came in the effect of Ryan’s parents played by Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd. Liotta is made to age right along with the decades that pass in the story. He inherits a head of greys and wrinkles on his face that give him the distinction that 30 years has passed. However, Ashley Judd apparently didn’t want to wear makeup or they ran out of the budget because she never ages more than a year during the whole film. There was one point towards the end of the film where i had to remember that she was married to Ray Liotta and wasn’t his daughter. Liotta is the only performance worth anything as a preacher who is wound a little too tight when it comes to the next generation of teenage interests. He plays the role with enough responsibility and love from a preacher who adopts a child that he wasn’t quite in agreeance to. Judd is Judd. Same hollow emotion behind her usual smile. Rayne is alright, but he is basically being Elvis even when he isn’t supposed to be. If this is an Elvis film, then yes he played the role perfectly. But since it’s not, his performance comes off as simple and uninspiring. The best note about the cast is the terrible miscasting of Seth Green as a groovy drummer and Ryan’s best friend. He is so laughable and so eye rolling in the character of Dino that i found myself exhaling as hard as i used to when my Dad would try to rock out to Grunge Music. It just doesn’t feel right, and with the exception of Will Smith as Satan (Winter’s Tale), this is the worst miscasting of 2014. The film ends after 102 minutes that feel longer because of the terrible pacing and rushed scenes when it’s trying to tug at the heart strings of any kind of emotion. The film’s end feels like we have watched our main character for nearly 2 hours and yet we still know nothing about what is going on inside. The Identical is sloppy, bland, and devoid of any intentions. It’s like they set out to make an Elvis movie and couldn’t get the rights halfway into the film, so they just changed the names around. It’s a good thing the King has left the building because Elvis would find new meaning to the words “Don’t Be Cruel” after slop like this. Not recommended at all.

A Haunted House 2

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2/10

In 2013, i posted a review about A Haunted House that trashed the film for basically being an 80 minute sex joke. I called it crude, humorless and completely pointless. I would now like to personally apologize for everything i said about that film. A Haunted House is still a tasteless chud, but it’s sequel is where the real evil exists. Marlon Wayans returns as Malcolm Johnson. A man who is being plagued by evil spirits through two different girlfriends. This film acts as a spoof on such horror movies as Sinister, Paranormal Activity, Insidious and The Conjuring. I only enjoyed three of those films, but i can safely say that all four are better than A Haunted House 2. As to where sex jokes were the film’s premise in the first film, racism appears to be the schtick with this movie. Racism is everywhere and everything, it’s apparently supposed to be hilarious and i had no idea. Gabriel Iglesias shows up as a neighbor who is Mexican. I mention his heritage because the movie certainly does every 2 minutes. I am not someone who is a big Iglesias fan. Every joke in his arsenal is about him being Mexican or him being fat. It’s that simple. So when you hear he is in this film, it should come as no surprise that the person and the character are one and the same. Lets not stop there though because there are more sex jokes as well. Remember that amazing scene from the first film where Marlon Wayans is having nasty sex with a stuffed animal? You get to relive that whole scene times two with the doll from The Conjuring. He has sex with this thing for no reason what so ever. Somewhere in planet bizarre this is funny. All you have to know about this film is that it’s the rudest, crudest movie to come out this year…….BY FAR. I am all about a good comedy that is a little juvenile, but this is completely beyond the limit. On top of this, there are cussing children, scenes that don’t connect well with the scene that is directly after it, and THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER that i have seen in a long time. For those of you who thought Leonardo Dicaprio said “Old Sport” too much in 2013’s The Great Gatsby, i laugh at your comment. Affion Crockett plays Malcolm’s cousin Ray-Ray, and he says the word “Cuz” no fewer than 90 times. I AM NOT KIDDING IN THE SLIGHTEST. I turned to my friend and said i would punch the screen if he said it one more time, and sure enough he did it in that exact second. The character is like nails on a chalkboard. Like Kenny Crumpton doing the weather for your funeral. Like Nickelback on repeat 24 hours a day. The camera always on thing doesn’t work as well for this movie because in scenes where it looks like a camera is on, there is no possible way a camera can be there. Cameras appear and disappear in character’s hands. I searched my mind to find even the slightest thing i liked about this film, and i could find nothing. The house they shot in looked nice. Does that count? The credits were error free in typing. How about that? A Haunted House 2 is on par with A Winter’s Tale for the absolute biggest disgrace i have seen this year. Time will tell by December 31st when we find out which one is worse, but for now i want to go to a very quiet place and rock back and forth. A Haunted House 2 is AWFUL. It doesn’t even deserve the 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. If you see it, you are only wasting your own money. The Film Freak warns all.

House Party 5 : Tonight’s the Night

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2/10

What a complete pile of crap. It’s sad to think of how great the first three movies were of the franchise and see what it’s become. Even the 4th film (Ferris Bueller rip-off) entertained me more than this. I am going to get out of the way the one thing i liked about this film and that is Kid N Play returning to cameo in the roles that made them famous. My problem with it however is that they are in the last 2 minutes of the movie. They make us wait 88 damn minutes for a 2 minute cameo that isn’t that good. This film made me miss Grown Ups 2 with it’s horrible dialogue and acting. It looks like they pulled a bunch of kids off of a high school acting class and let them do their thing. If that doesn’t do it for you then maybe insulting fat people by making them break the floor during a sex scene. Yeah, that’s sure to get a laugh out of everyone, because fat people should only be used for trashing. There is also pedophilia with a 50 something neighbor coming to the party to hit on the 17 year old main character. She is about as trashy as your worst nightmare while lifting her skirt and mentioning how wet the main character has made her. This film is so bad and it knows it that it references other films and TV shows (Twilight, True Blood). One thing i always find funny about these films are the fact that everyone can dance. Now, i’m not talking about a dance movie like You Got Served or Step Up, because those people are supposed to be trained dancers. This is a high school movie with kids who can dance better than an Usher video. Another funny part is when the token bad guy shows up and punches out the main character, and actually walks out to boo’s. WHO DOES THAT? If this isn’t enough, they even insult and poke fun at the first House Party by naming the main character Chris and then insulting the Kid N Play dance move by calling it whack. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. The ending is left with the biggest form of unbelievable as Chris’s best friend fixes the mess by selling his car. That’s fine and dandy, but how did he fix the huge hole in the floor in less than 8 hours? Better yet, how did he sell his car between the hours of 3 AM and 9 AM? I don’t recommend this film to anyone, and you can definitely look for it on the bottom five of my end of the year countdown.

Scary Movie 5

 

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2.5/10

This movie is close to being the worse film of the year for me. If not for the catastrophe that was Movie 43, this film would definitely make history as not only the worst film of the year, but of the last five years easily. With the exception of one scene, i didn’t laugh one time in this entire film. It’s a shame because the first two Scary Movie’s were actually really good and filled with laughs. This franchise has been on a down slope since getting rid of the Wayans Brothers. This film makes the movie A Haunted House look like Casablanca. Most of the movies represented in this film aren’t horror movies at all and they don’t put any effort in hiding that fact. The oddest thing to me was the fact that almost NONE of the scenes that were shown in the trailers were in the movie. I guess they all went on the chopping block because they are nowhere to be found. This movie clocks in at 75 measly minutes that feel like a lifetime. There were many points when i almost gave up. I don’t recommend this film for anyone; not even the biggest mindless idiots walking the planet. Nobody will or SHOULD like this movie