The Lords of Salem

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1/10

I WANT MY 96 MINUTES BACK!!!! Where do i start with this horrible sack of shit? Rob Zombie’s 5th film feature tells the tale of a bunch of 17th century witches who haunt the dreams of Sherri Moon Zombie because there is a certain something they want from her. This movie was a complete waste of anything that has to do with film. The only thing i liked about the movie was Bruce Davidson and he dies with about 20 minutes left in the movie. Sherri Moon Zombie is a completely terrible actress. I don’t care if she is Rob Zombie’s wife or that she shows her naked body in every movie that she is in. If she never acted again, it would be one of the great justices that the American people ever experienced. This movie goes down in history with some of my other all-time nightmares like The Wicker Man, Fear Dot Com and The Ring. The one thing i can say about those movies though, is that at least they had a decent premise. I’m not saying this is the worst movie i have ever seen, but it’s pretty damn close. At the end of the day, i am not sure what genre this belongs to. There isn’t enough blood or gore for it to be a horror movie. There isn’t enough mystery or edge of the seat moments for it to be suspense. The movie’s ending is probably only 2nd to The Devil Inside as far as worst all time endings are concerned. I don’t recommend this film in theaters or DVD rental. If you even have the chance to get a free download, JUST SAY NO. Whatever movie i review next is going to look like The Shawshank Redemption compared to this piece of shit.

Movie 43

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1.5/10

WOW!!!! For those of you who thought i had even a shred of intelligence in me, i can promise you it is now gone. This movie is by far the worst movie i have seen in the early 2013 so far. I never imagined that a movie with Emma Stone would be so bad. This movie has a great cast, but they are doing these stupid Mad TV style skits. The difference is that i loved Mad TV and this unfunny piece of shit is beyond comparison. I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone unless there is someone in your life that you really hate. Even then, it might be too severe of a punishment.